I am the mother of a little girl, and a little boy, both of whom were taken before they took a breath on earth. I have a Beagle called Arthur who tries his best to substitute, and a husband who must love me more than I can describe, (other than by saying that he cleans without me asking him to, and never, ever says anything mean to me).
My baby girl arrived at almost 19 weeks, and of course, did not survive. A year later, my baby boy – Freddie – arrived at almost 25 weeks. One week after the fluid that babies need so vitally, had left him, Freddie passed away, and was born not long afterwards. My love for them both will never wither. My very being is fractured by the loss of my babies. It is difficult to write and will be difficult for many of you to read. This is my narrative.
Monthly Archives: June 2011
For various reasons, I’ve decided that I’m going to go back to work before summer. I had hoped to start back the week before school breaks up, and spend the week mostly catching up on everything. It doesn’t look like … Continue reading
I’m trying very hard this time not to be so angry. But sometimes I can’t help it. I become consumed by the gut-wrenching, blood-boiling fury that this has happened to us. That this is now the path of our lives. … Continue reading
Due date. As recently as 20 years ago, some doctors wouldn’t permit a mother to see her stillborn baby for fear that it would make her go crazy. Many people (particularly the older generation, I’ve found) still don’t understand all … Continue reading
Not much to say really.
12 weeks ago, Freddie was born. Sometimes it catches me strangley when someone else says my baby’s name; ‘Freddie’. I’m not sure why. There’s a millisecond where it’s as if I am caught in an impalpable web of that name; … Continue reading
I’m tired today. I’ve slept badly the last few nights, probably because I’m hormonal. And now my eyes are sore – my contact lenses end up feeling like they’re full of sand by the end of the day – I … Continue reading
I just had a memory of when the midwife phoned me a few days after I’d got out of hospital. I’d already spoken to one lady for her to arrange a time to come over, but we were busy with … Continue reading
This morning when I woke up I thought it was still the weekend (probably because we’d been away for a night at a friend’s, which was great – we had a lot of fun playing on the Wii, I also … Continue reading
I feel a bit like a painting. As in, when you put a wash on to begin a watercolour, if it’s terrible, then it doesn’t matter what else you paint on top of it; that terrible base will always be … Continue reading