The real world…

For various reasons, I’ve decided that I’m going to go back to work before summer.  I had hoped to start back the week before school breaks up, and spend the week mostly catching up on everything.  It doesn’t look like that will happen, but it should be a light week for teaching anyway, and I’ll go in before then to get what I need to plan my lessons.

Part of me is terrified, and part of me is feeling eager to get back to things. I’m worried mostly that if I’m not pregnant again soon, if there isn’t something to give us hope, then I’ll struggle back at work. Although I’ve felt a little more positive yesterday and today, than I have for about the last fortnight, I’m worried that I’m on my way down the coarse road I took the last time, where after the first few months, I started to get less and less hopeful, and more and more angry.  It’s like my emotional scales start to swing irrevocably downward on the negative side, leaving the little brass cups for my happiness, pretty much empty.  I’m worried that I’ll end up exhausting all of my positive energy in one place, either at home or at work, and then have none left for the other; so either Sam gets a raw deal and he gets to spend time with an unsmiling, irritable wife, or my colleagues and students get a cantankerous, prickly teacher.  And no one likes those.  Maybe I’ll be lucky, but already, my hope is beginning to dwindle: ‘lucky’ isn’t how I would describe myself recently.

Tomorrow I have the school prom.  I’ve found something to wear, (thank you so much to my friend Helen, who posted me two dresses to try) though it isn’t very ‘prommy’.  I won’t be staying too late anyway as Sam and I are heading off to the Outer Hebrides to see some of my family very early on Saturday morning.

I’m looking forward to seeing some of my colleagues and I hope that it’ll help with my return to work that I’ve seen some of them already.  I only wish I wasn’t driving – attending social events sober is something I’ve never been good at, especially not in the position I’m in, where a little (or a lot of) Dutch courage would help.

Hopefully, time away at my parents’ house will help me to relax before going back to work; my mum is brilliant, and I’m sure that my beautiful, hilarious, edible niece, Matilda, will put a smile on my face, if nothing else works.


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3 Responses to The real world…

  1. Becky says:

    Hey Abbie,
    I always read these, just in case you are wondering.
    I think that your understandable and logical worries about the impact of you going back to work will mean that you will most likely escape those eventualities. I’m not saying it’ll be a peachy breeze but I don’t think your emotional reaction will be the same, though it’s only natural that you prepare for the frustration that you felt last time. Maybe this unforeseen change of plan will be domethig of a revelation this time. You talk about how this experience has made you grow in lots of ways, I think if you find that you are struggling- you will address it much more quickly.
    Love you lots, and good luck at the prom. Try and have a good time 🙂 xxx

    • Abbie says:

      Thanks Becky – a considered and mature response as always; you always makes me feel a bit more pragmatic about things. I hope you’re right – you probably will be! I’ll let you know about the prom – would be nice to see you over summer if you have any free time. Much love dear.xxxxxx

  2. Hels says:

    I’m sure by now that you realise I love you unconditionally. I’m also sure that you know I would do anything to make you feel even a tiny little bit less pain than you do right now… I would hope you know that I am here no matter what. I don’t need the care free Abbie that you used to be, I love the Abbie that you are right now. I will be here till we are really old and really grey ( even more grey than we are right now). You are my best friend and my life is infinitley better for having you in it. I love you lots and always will xxxxxxxxxx

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