Today.

Today I should be in the hospital with my bag packed full of maternity briefs and nappies and all the things that you and I would need.

Today your daddy and I should have been able to welcome you into our arms.

Today we should have been able to hear you cry, as your tiny lungs took in the dry air for the first time.

Today we should have been able to tickle your tiny feet, and stroke your beautiful, soft golden hair.

Today I should have been able to hold you close to my chest, on my skin, and feel the warmth of your little body against mine.

Today we should have been kissing your tiny lips and soft cheeks.

Today should have been the day that you brought more happiness and joy to your daddy and I than we ever thought was possible.

Today we should have been able to pour out all of the love that we have in our hearts for you, which are so full and yet so empty, like jars clamped full of air.

Today should have been the day that you would have made us three, instead of two.

Perhaps you might have arrived a little before, or a little after – I’m always early.  But this is the day.

Today is the day you should have arrived.

Instead you came too soon, and we held you in our arms, and stroked your tiny feet.

But we did not hear you cry, and we did not feel your warmth.

And we still have all of our love.

Today is the day you should have arrived.

 

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6 Responses to Today.

  1. clare says:

    Your story has moved me. I too have suffered 2 losses in 10 months. first boy robert at 19 weeks then another boy daniel at 15 weeks. Reading your blog brings me comfort in knowing i am not alone, nor are you.

    your strength through these words is inspirational.

    Thank you x

    • Abbie says:

      Thank you for getting in touch, I always feel two things when I hear from someone else in the same situation – comforted that I am not alone, but also saddened that there are so many people forced to suffer as I have. I guess all we can do is help each other get through our grief, and help to inspire a little hope.xx

  2. Joanne says:

    Truly beautiful words Abbie. I hope you find some peace today and thinking of the 3 of you with love xx

  3. Holly says:

    What to say…

    I could wish for nothing more than to be able to make all of the above happen for you and Sam and Freddie.
    I love you all more than I can say.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. sue says:

    your words are so beautifully written and from so deep in your heart. I hope it helps you as i’m sure it helps others. I thought of you all on friday and hope you find peace and rest in the months to come.

    • Abbie says:

      Thank you Sue – in some ways it was the easiest post I’ve ever written because it was just the truth – no fancy wordplay, just how things are. We actually had a lovely day, and I was pleased when the rain pelted down at the grave, as it had on the day of the burial.

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