Well. Where to start. The last few weeks have been really busy, and I’ve really enjoyed being back at school. A couple of people have really looked after me and I’ve appreciated it so much – if my workplace was as it was only a few months ago, I’m pretty sure that I would have not been able to go back, and I’d have ended up on supply. It’s amazing what a difference it makes just to have someone there who cares enough to make some simple arrangements with your wellbeing in mind. I’m actually excited about work again, which for me, right now, is HUGE. We broke up for summer today, and I’ve already planned to go in the week after next to arrange some planning.
Whilst work is good, my mind is pretty tangled at the moment; I had an awful dream the other night. I dreamt that I’d had a baby boy, but he was barely alive. He was put on a table next to me and we watched as his limbs moved just slightly. Then we thought he was dead, but he wasn’t, and I was able to pick him up and I cuddled him for what seemed like a long time. Eventually I woke up, and the dream had been so vivid that I was genuinely confused for a few moments.
Sometimes, right in the middle of doing something ‘normal’, I have what I guess would be called a ‘flashback’, though I hate that word because it sounds so generically naff. I remember Freddie’s little body, or the night my waters first broke, or something else horrifying, and it stops my brain from working for a second, and I feel as though I’ve been shunted from all directions. I suppose that now I’m back at work; back with colleagues, back doing ‘normal’ things, the memories of what happened to me nearly 4 months ago seem almost more shocking.
Right now Freddie would be two weeks old, if he had been born around his due date. We’d be using all the tiny rompers and socks and vests and going through tonnes of nappies. It hurts very much when I think of his clothes, all still folded neatly in the drawers in what should be his bedroom.
I still feel ‘knotty’ most of the time, and I still get cross, especially when confronted by pregnant teenagers, or mothers with babies to whom they seem to attribute the same importance as any other aspect of their lives. But I’m still going. There are so many things going on, and so many things to think about that I often feel a bit like a fence post; I seem to be relatively unmoving, and everything else churns and hustles around me, occasionally becoming tangled into me, leaving traces behind, like the tufts of sheep’s wool on a fence. There are so many factors which affect my life, and so many things which might affect me, that it’s exhausting to try to contemplate them all, and most of them are not within my control anyway. There are things I want to say but can’t, for fear of upsetting people close to me.
Anyway, thanks to those who noticed my absence over the last couple of weeks, and who got in touch to see how I was; it never fails to move me when someone lets me know how much they care. I’m now on the edge of 6 weeks off work, before getting back in September to a full timetable and lots to do. I’m hoping that I can ‘un-snag’ some of the things that seem to be caught up, and that I might have a freer mind by then.