I’ve neglected my blog recently; I’ve been finding it difficult to know what to say. So many things around me are changing, while I seem to be staying exactly where I am; rooted firmly into my odious location like a big weed in a bog. Except it isn’t a bog for everyone – everyone else is blossoming and growing happily and not complaining, and here I am, the same as I was 5 months ago. I think I’ve ignored things a lot again, I know I shouldn’t but it’s just easier that way – I pretend things aren’t there or aren’t happening or both, so I don’t have to deal with it. I only really realised this when a friend sent me a link to a song/video on Youtube (here it is for anyone stronger than me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8Hxc_ANJptk) and I got less than half way through and turned it off. I still haven’t watched it all. There are also people and topics I avoid, and justify in my own mind as self-preservation. I’ve sort of trapped myself in a little bubble of ignorance where to even allow certain thoughts through is too much, and so I push them back out for someone else to deal with.
I start back at school on Monday, and I guess I feel, as I’ve grown to about everything now, sort of ambivalent. In some ways I think it might help – maybe I’ll feel some notion of progression. On the other hand, it’s stressful and tiring and it might make me lose the plot entirely…we shall see.
My baby Freddie, not a day goes by that my mind is not visited by some thought of you, that my insides do not become knotted by those thoughts, and that I do not feel sad for everything that we have lost.