About Me
I am the mother of a little girl, and a little boy, both of whom were taken before they took a breath on earth. I have a Beagle called Arthur who tries his best to substitute, and a husband who must love me more than I can describe, (other than by saying that he cleans without me asking him to, and never, ever says anything mean to me).
My baby girl arrived at almost 19 weeks, and of course, did not survive. A year later, my baby boy – Freddie – arrived at almost 25 weeks. One week after the fluid that babies need so vitally, had left him, Freddie passed away, and was born not long afterwards. My love for them both will never wither. My very being is fractured by the loss of my babies. It is difficult to write and will be difficult for many of you to read. This is my narrative.
Freddie
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One Whole Year.
It has remained too difficult to write since my last post, 4 months ago. But today, it is one year since Freddie was born. One year since we cradled our son in our arms, never to see him wake up. … Continue reading
Direction.
It has been very difficult to write recently for a number of reasons, so I’m going to write in lyrical form, as it seems to be easier. In my plaza flora stands, but does not thrive – Flowers breathe … Continue reading
The Great Pretender.
A few days ago it was 7 months since Freddie was born. I’m in a strange place right now; I think that I’ve become so embroiled in ‘life’ – my job, mostly – that it’s become easier to separate myself … Continue reading
6 months.
It seems such a long, long time since Freddie was born. I’m back at work, and so much has happened. Sometimes I actually feel happy. Then I have a stark memory of Sam holding Freddie, or something else devastating, and … Continue reading
Ignorance is bliss(ish).
I’ve neglected my blog recently; I’ve been finding it difficult to know what to say. So many things around me are changing, while I seem to be staying exactly where I am; rooted firmly into my odious location like a … Continue reading
One month.
I wish you were here now. Today you would be one month old. We would all be together, and your daddy and I would laugh and giggle at the funny faces you would be making. We would play together and … Continue reading
The big questions.
Sometimes it’s difficult to know what to say. I have so many thoughts in my head, but they’re so much more confused than they used to be. To begin with, in the first few weeks after Freddie’s death, it was … Continue reading
Time does not heal.
It’s been just over 4 months since Freddie was born asleep. I still can’t bear to see a pregnant woman. I still can’t bear to look at most babies – some are more difficult to acknowledge than others. I still … Continue reading
Melt-down.
On Saturday I spent two and a half hours sprawled on my front, lying on the bed crying. I could feel it coming as soon as I got in the car to go home on Friday, when we broke up … Continue reading
Work, dreams and snags.
Well. Where to start. The last few weeks have been really busy, and I’ve really enjoyed being back at school. A couple of people have really looked after me and I’ve appreciated it so much – if my workplace was … Continue reading
