I am the mother of a little girl, and a little boy, both of whom were taken before they took a breath on earth. I have a Beagle called Arthur who tries his best to substitute, and a husband who must love me more than I can describe, (other than by saying that he cleans without me asking him to, and never, ever says anything mean to me).
My baby girl arrived at almost 19 weeks, and of course, did not survive. A year later, my baby boy – Freddie – arrived at almost 25 weeks. One week after the fluid that babies need so vitally, had left him, Freddie passed away, and was born not long afterwards. My love for them both will never wither. My very being is fractured by the loss of my babies. It is difficult to write and will be difficult for many of you to read. This is my narrative.
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Sometimes, even the things which seem to be ‘easy’, take so much from you that you’re left barely awake. Perhaps it’s because I woke up at 5.40 this morning, or perhaps it’s because I’ve been doing different things recently, but … Continue reading
Today I should be in the hospital with my bag packed full of maternity briefs and nappies and all the things that you and I would need. Today your daddy and I should have been able to welcome you into … Continue reading
I think sometimes about the timing of everything; how quickly things can change, and how sometimes a few days can seem like months. On the day I went into hospital, it was Comic Relief. The dog had escaped in the … Continue reading
For various reasons, I’ve decided that I’m going to go back to work before summer. I had hoped to start back the week before school breaks up, and spend the week mostly catching up on everything. It doesn’t look like … Continue reading
I’m trying very hard this time not to be so angry. But sometimes I can’t help it. I become consumed by the gut-wrenching, blood-boiling fury that this has happened to us. That this is now the path of our lives. … Continue reading
Due date. As recently as 20 years ago, some doctors wouldn’t permit a mother to see her stillborn baby for fear that it would make her go crazy. Many people (particularly the older generation, I’ve found) still don’t understand all … Continue reading
Not much to say really.
12 weeks ago, Freddie was born. Sometimes it catches me strangley when someone else says my baby’s name; ‘Freddie’. I’m not sure why. There’s a millisecond where it’s as if I am caught in an impalpable web of that name; … Continue reading
I’m tired today. I’ve slept badly the last few nights, probably because I’m hormonal. And now my eyes are sore – my contact lenses end up feeling like they’re full of sand by the end of the day – I … Continue reading